


Salvation - Hardzello

by DoctorQueensAnatomy



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Angels, Angels Becoming Humans, Anxiety, Basically, Demons, Depression, Forbidden Love, Good Demons, Guardian Angels, Love, M/M, Meant To Be, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, True Love, angels and demons are the same thing, did i forget to mention that, hardzello, hardzzello, just trust the book, mazzardy, protect humans, read to find out, trigger warning in book form
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 15:55:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19254385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorQueensAnatomy/pseuds/DoctorQueensAnatomy
Summary: angels and demons exist.





	1. Prologue

Angels and demons exist.

Ghosts are entities that were once alive and walked the earth. The paranormal if you will, much different from the angels and demons. Angels and demons never were alive, only appearing with one sole purpose:  
To protect the humans.

Watch over your human and make sure they live good lives, or at least a life with no harm. The aim of the game is to make sure they play theirs right. Highers are a referee in some sense, a mentor and tutor too.

Angels and demons are actually the same, the only difference being that demons get the bad humans and angels get the good humans. Apart from that, they are the same. A common misconception is that angels are the good ones and demons are the bad ones when that's not the case. The only good and bad are the humans they watch over.  
Most of the angel and demon community (the highers as they call it) are good souled. Only 5% of the whole bunch are not and that's equally divided into half angels and half demons.

The bad of the bunch aren't liked or respected by the rest, but alas, they do not care. They're the highers responsible for the bad happenings in life. Sure, they can't be blamed for your neighbours dog peeing on your front garden but they can take responsibility for the torture inside innocent people's heads and many of the more graphic happenings. They can take control for the atrocities the human race face. It's a shame they can't be killed because all know it would be for the best.

Before this story begins, there are a few things you must know about the highers community and the 'afterlife' as it is known:

The highers are immortal. Nothing can kill them because they cannot die. Nothing can die if it hasn't lived. Saying that, vanishing isn't the same as dying, but we'll get to that later.

Even if they could die, they wouldn't feel anything. Though they don't feel physical pain, but they do have emotions. They can experience emotional pain, happiness, anger, anxiety, love. It is a trait that has confused many highers and nobody really knows how or why they can, but it's a matter of fact and isn't hurting anyone or any higher doing so. Because of these emotions, they can scar and be left hurt just like their humans.

Highers know where they need to be. They don't have to travel anywhere though, just the thought of a call by a higher and they're there. Not so much teleporting, just appearing there. They can be called by other highers to somewhere and just- well, again, just appear there.

They have to be careful where they appear though. They cannot touch humans so landing right infront of one wouldn't be wise. If a higher touches a human, the human dies. They can communicate but not all is taken too well with that.

Highers cannot be seen by adult humans you see, so when given the chance to speak, all a human heard is a voice in their head telling them things. It gets out of hand when the bad highers do this, telling people to do awful things or helping their evil human if they're a demon. Most of the time though, highers would love to talk with their human, but humans can't comprehend the idea of them and try to get rid of the voices in their heads. This ultimately leads to the human going to their paradise unfortunately, although it isn't the heaven and he'll you think of.

A humans paradise after death is based off of their happiness on earth. That's how it was until the demon's humans found happiness in their bad actions. Now it's based off of the happiness they bring to others in comparison to theirs. A person who is content with what they do whilst bringing terror to those around them will not have a good paradise, but a person who may not be happy yet can bring happiness to others will lead a good paradise and so on.

Remember the fact that the highers are immortal? Well, it's definitely true, that's a no brainer. They can't be killed or die. Things cannot die if that thing was never living in the first place, but there's a certain thing called a kiss in the highers community.

There are two sets: angels get the kiss of life and demons get the kiss of death. The kiss is much like a human one, using lips to seal the deal. It's the only physical contact a higher can make and for a very special reason. Lips pronounce your words and your words create promises, trusts and bonds. The kiss is much like that, a promise of knowledge and an insight whilst also silencing them. The ability words have it's quite scary actually.

Words hurt, words betray and words can bring life.  
Silencing words can also bring new ones in, and thats the truce of a kiss.

The kiss of death gives the bad humans demons watch the insight of their actions. It's designed to show the humans that what they're intentions are- what they strive for in life is wrong. What the human does with that information and insight after that is up to them.

The kiss of life is an angels gift to a human. It shows them true happiness and how the human being kind souled and a truly good person makes not only the world a better place, but their paradise a better place too.

When a kiss is given however, the angel or demon ceases to be anymore. Their purpose has been fulfilled and they're not needed, they simply vanish. It's almost like they were never there in the first place, most highers forgetting that angel or demon ever existed.

Anyway, that's not relevant to this tale...

I believe the most important thing to know about this tale is that Ben is an angel, a very well respected one too. He loves humans so dearly and loves to do what he does.

Lucky for him, that's what he'll be doing forever.


	2. I

Ben can still remember his first human. They didn't have a name because language wasn't a thing back then, but they did have a family and protected their family over themselves.

Ben has had many humans over the billions of years he's been in existence. He gets the good ones, and not just in the fact that is an angel. He gets good, happy humans. A kind soul doesn't always mean happiness yet he finds himself getting those who care for family, love life and are happy people.

Over the course of these humans, he realised certain things. He knows what hurt is after losing all of his humans and he knows what love is after coming across a certain Apple of his eye in the 1600s.

It was a man named Arthur- Arthur Alexander Francis Bates. He was a poetic man, very kind, smart, romantic in the way of a love for nature. He was a charm to all that knew him.  
He wasn't even Ben's human, he was Rami's. He knew he was falling helplessly in love with this man and wouldn't do anything to change that.

Arthur, unfortunately, contracted the plague in 1665 and died shortly after.

Ben was saddened by that, this one true man he loved and he goes ahead and dies. Ben soon found eyes for a woman named Helena but after finding out that the woman belonged to a demon, Ben knew that this woman did not deserve love, whether she would know of it or not.

Ben was content with how things were heading right now though. He knew that his current human Lily was nearing the end but she had lived such a good life that she was going to have the most beautiful paradise and that made Ben happy almost. He didn't like watching her suffer from this illness she had, it was cruel and unfair.

He was by her side when she did pass, though she didn't know that. Most angels and demons are there when their human dies, it gives a sense of completion. They're there when they're born and watch and protect them all through their life. Through and through, the higher will be there for them, without the human even knowing it or believing that there is something after death in some cases.

He let out a tear this time. Unfortunately, he had become rather desensitized to this matter, seeing too many deaths to be hurt in a way of significance for him. He let out a tear but then a smile. "She's okay now." He thought. "She's in a better place."

Ben, despite knowing this, needed some means of comfort, and with a single call in his mind, they were sat at a table. 'They' being 3 other highers- Rami the fellow Angel, Allen and Gwilym being the demons, though they are the sweetest of highers. They had been friends for as long as time, and that is very very literal. They were all there for each other's humans births, helping predict the type of life that human will live.

That's another thing highers can do- some can predict certain things once a child is born, luckily in the group, all of them can at least predict one thing.

Ben can predict intelligence. Being a higher, he has infinite intelligence as do the rest, so there is no outsmarting in this world, though that doesn't mean highers can't be clueless (specifically Rami). He has never failed in guessing how smart a child will be. He predicted Rami's Shakespeare in being a genius of literature. He also predicted Allen's Guy Fawkes, saying "smart enough but has no logic, doing things with no plan, or rather a plan being chucked out the window."

Low and behold, he was right.

We'll move onto angel number two, Rami...  
Rami could predict love, strange for the angel who's never had an admiration or someone to catch his eye. He guessed the unfortunate case of Gwilym's human Dorothy back in the 1700s. As soon as she was born he blurted out "married 4 times, killing each husband until the last husband has an affair, leading the rest of her life as a criminal with a broken heart. I'm calling that now"  
Dorothy was in fact married 4 times, poisoning each husband with arsenic until her fourth husband cheated on her with a younger woman. She was left heartbroken and eventually handed herself into the police when she couldn't find a place to live anymore.

Now onto the demons:  
Gwilym can predict gender. It isn't the most special of one's but his knowledge spans more than just a quick "male" or "female". It's the child's identity more than anything, who they want to be not necessarily being who they are. One day he was witnessing his own new human being born and he said "they are female but male. They are both, possibly even male. They will struggle but for the cause of inner peace. They know who they are and see no issue in that" He found it very interesting.  
The child was given the name Meghan but settled for Mason in later life, much to the disbelief and shock of everybody else. The highers just watched as he fought for his rights. However, as Allen predicted, his death was a murder. A hate crime against being themselves.

You can probably presume what Allen predicts now. Death. He knows the basics of each humans death. It's a sad one to have, knowing that no matter how good or bad this persons life will be lived, their death can be either cruel and unfair or deserved and thought out in the demons case. There was only one time where he questioned the death but that's because the person got hit with a balloon and the friction in it made their hair go up slightly which apparently made that lightning strike more likely. It may have been a chance or it may have been the balloon.

But as for now, they were all looking down at the delivery room, a screaming mother, or soon to be, giving birth to a healthy baby. It had a head of hair already, this baby was ginger.  
"It's a man. Manly man. A gay manly man who doesn't give a shit about it but perhaps about other things, very interesting" Gwil spoke up

"Very smart- a playwright but no Shakespeare. Smart but hides it so that's stupid. He knows the world, he's smart enough to know it's true colours"

"He'll have a love for what he does. No need for love when life is but a mere setback in itself. No love but is loved back"

It was at this point Allen's turn to speak came about, yet he didn't. They all had their designated times to say the life of this child but he didn't speak.

"Allen?"

"I'm not saying the death. I've had enough of knowing how he'll die, you don't want to know anyway."

"What? What's any different-"

"Leave it!"

They didn't question it any further. They all watched as this baby was taken to get weighed and measured and when it was given its name

Joseph Francis Mazzello III

'What a complicated name' Ben thought. It was a beautiful name passed down from his father and his father before that, but still complicated.

Joseph is the husband of Mary in the Bible, but also the favourite son of Jacob which eventually led to them being exiled.

Francis is an English, French and Italian name, meaning 'Free Man'. It is also a girls name but more used as a boys name in this spelling. Ben hoped Joe would take its meaning and use it, is a free man and a happy one at it. It is also highly religious in the sense of however many Pope Francis' there have been, but there is the odd celebrity with Francis as their given name. F. Scott Fitzgerald's name is Francis, so no, the F does not stand for fuck. Frank Sinatra is actually called Francis too.  
An infinite amount of knowledge also comes with its unnecessary facts like these.

Ben ducked down and stood next to the baby, he was a cute thing this baby. Obviously right now he looks nothing more than a potato but no matter what, when he is older, he will be a handsome potato.

Ben smiled at Joe, giving him an unofficial blessing of acceptance. He always did this. It was his good luck charm, though he knows they don't exist. He always smiled at the baby's and they always turned out good so why stop now? Well, because now the baby is crying and he won't stop crying.

The sound of the tears trickling down the poor baby's face hurts Ben. He know baby's cry, hell, he's had plenty experience.

Baby's cry because of the change in environment from their cosy mum's stomach to the cold air of the outside world, but they don't usually cry this much.

It all felt unnatural for Ben. Usually, the baby would stop but this one had no intention of stopping. He could hear Rami, Gwilym and Allen laughing from above when he didn't find any if this funny. No, he found it unimaginably sad. He had just gotten away from seeing the human he so dearly cares for their whole life pass away from pain and torture and now this baby seems to be in exactly the same place of pain and torture.

Baby's are just born into this world, they have nothing to be sad about and nothing to be happy about. They're emotional potatoes that people cry over because they have big eyes. It's strange but true, baby's have big eyes to protect them from being eaten, yet this baby Joseph right in front of him seems to have no protection from anything. No matter how much the mother cuddles him or the dad whispers words to him, he cries, and cries, and didn't stop crying until he fell asleep.

He never dwelled on such things before but he was never given the chance to. All his past humans laughed within the first five minutes of being alive and well, yet here we have a baby who seems to attract no means of happiness. We have a child born to live a good, kind life but who seemingly is not living it so far.

'So far'. That's all Ben imagined. He's only a couple minutes old.

He's only a day old.

He's only a month old.

He's only six months old.

He's only a year old.

He's still crying. His birthday, a happy occasion and the baby, or not so baby anymore but more an infant, was still crying. Guaranteed this child has not been non stop crying for the whole year but it's an overwhelming amount of time that he had. It's a burden and those rarely come about in the highers world. He's never heard of an angel getting a burden, only demons who get- well, demon children.

If there's one thing Ben is thinking now, it's that this child is good. This child is looked after by an angel which means it is kind-hearted and good souled, so it will eventually stop crying. It will live a good, happy life. A kind life at the least.  
Sure, it will live life.

Joe was being walked around on his dad shoes and actually giggling when Ben got Ramis call. He wanted to murder Rami because Ben treasured the moment's infant Joe would laugh and be happy, but at the birth of a highers baby, they always went.

He could tell where they were. It's the native of his accent. Most highers accents are derived from where their first human was and his was from Britannia, or do they still call it that? He hasn't been for a while.

The mother was screaming which made everyone chuckle. There no real pain to it, only more of a discomfort that gets influenced by the brain to be mistaken for pain.

"She is a girl and a lovely one at it. Always smiling, sometimes annoyingly so. Proud of who she is and fights for what's right. She is a trooper."

"Top of the class intelligent but also no common sense, much like her angel..."

"She loves everything, a people's person and a happy one at it. She will find one great love in her life and then she will be complete, though she is already filled with such love."

"I've told you lot... I- I'm not saying them anymore, not like this anyway"

They all watched as new life was born and a small inkling was brought to the world. She had a coat of blonde hair on her head and although her eyes were shut, you could tell that they were just beautiful.

She would also be a lucky child, given great opportunities. The Boynton household is a known one and will let her live life in what's we path she chooses.

When she was given the name Lucy, you could tell she would be what it means: Light. This child was born to be a ray of light and Ben would be lying if he wasn't excited to see what a kind, happy life she lives and where it will take her, even if she is not his own human.

At the moment they would usually begin to go back to their own humans, for the time being, they were halted by something all too familiar. The sound of the tears trickling down her face was all too familiar for all of them but specifically Ben. He had grown to hate any means of crying now, natural or unnatural. Crying was horrible and a waste and yet he found himself having to comfort a small child with silent whispers and positive energy to stop it from crying, and even when it's said it guarantees the infant to stop crying, sometimes it doesn't.

This infant of Ben's is strong if anything, but by the minute, or rather the years, the child grows older into a stable youth. At age seven he is already writing very cool things if you can understand the handwriting.

Gone were the days of crying, now he doesn't! He doesn't cry if you know him at all truly. It's only Ben and himself who knows that this small boy who still has such things to live for cries behind closed doors.

Gone were the days of playing with the children from kindergarten, now he stays in his room and plays there, whether it be with cars, his baseball or his toy dinosaurs.

He was an imaginative little kid, always creating stories and real life things happening with the toys. He spent one day believing he was trapped under a car in fear of his big Xh-101 dinosaur model T-Rex biting him when in actual fact, the boy was just well fitted underneath his bed.

He had also grown into the ability. It's something not a lot of humans can do and although it doesn't last long, the ability lets the human have- well, the ability to see their higher. It's only for the time being and will fade into just hearing a distant voice every now and then, but Ben loved playing with Joe and Joe loved playing with his imaginary friend.

It raised a few eyebrows for both of them. Joe's parents believe he was going insane but the doctors promised that it was just a way of socialising without socialising and that he would grow out of it, he would learn that his friend isn't real.

In some way it's true, Ben isn't really in this world but is in his. Ben was subject to a lot of people saying he shouldn't be doing what he was. Ben, however, saw no problem with it. If his Joe has the ability to see and hear him then he will take the opportunity to make Joe happy after all that crying and play dinosaurs and baseball with Joe.

Rami's human Lucy had the same power. She could see Rami and absolutely adored him. Although the rule of no physical contact with the humans still stands, she would still get her children's makeup and her mum's brushes and attempt at doing his makeup but the brush would go right through him.

Because humans aren't ever supposed to see highers, they cannot be the one to make contact, so Lucy trying to makeover Rami would never work, but Rami would be able to pick up one of her brushes and put it on but the makeup wouldn't last.

Nothing ever truly lasts anyway. Not moments or humans. Soon enough, both Lucy and Joe could no longer see Rami and Ben respectively, leaving the angels as the distant voices they knew they would eventually become. Gwil and Allen could only pity them but understood as both of the demons had had experience with their humans having the ability too.

Gwilym cannot remember for the (no) life of him who it was or when it was, but he remembers a small boy being able to see his dark wings.

Allen's one was interesting, however. He had a young girl by the name of Aoife Cunningham who was playing in a local park not too long ago. Saying park, it was open grassland with a few rocks to jump off of. The parents were away doing something and mischevious Aoife was climbing the rocks very high, higher then she had been permitted to and higher than she ever could imagine. Allen obviously grew concerned and yelled at the stupid child, leading her to cry. "How the fuck," he asked himself. The child was bawling which caught the attention if the parents who helped her down. They panicked a bit but soon realised that she was fine, well, as fine as a human with a demon can be.

They asked her why she was crying and she told them "the man with the wings yelled at me". Allen avoided her eye line for a lot after that but eventually swooped down to see her when she was in a hospital. He knew her time was coming, he himself had been the one to predict it. He never understood how the child could ever be classed as mean or horrible, or in any sense that would lead himself, a demon to look after her, but some things are and always will be left unanswered.

Now Ben always knew that he had to be careful around Joe now. This isn't the normal human but one with the ability who will be able to hear what Ben says if not careful. He knows that some people cannot handle a voice with no body and that the messages they say can get lost in translation. Sometimes the voices in someone's head can just get too much and be too much for that person to handle.

Ben wouldn't actually care normally, he wouldn't mind the fact that Joe could hear him. As this boy grew, so did his intelligence and storytelling. The boy loved writing stories now his handwriting had improved but also as technology did as well. Sure, Ben was always there when Joe came up with a story but that's because he always finds himself there beside Joe because as much as he would love to deny it, this boy had always been special. He was different from Ben's other humans and rather than outcast him for it and reject Joe until he dies and then he can get a new human, he embraces Joe and knows that he is a very very kind human being and Joe deserves all the love he gets.

That sadly is not the case.

Joe does receive love but it's not all the love he can get, and sadly, the love he does get he translates into pity. It is strange for a twelve-year-old but with everything in the world and inside Joe's body changing, Ben would go by the human term "It's a phase" even though he knows phases do not exist as the predictability of a child is what makes them and Joe had already been shown to "be smart enough to see the true colours of the world".

Joe is smart and that's that. Ben is proud of Joe for being smart and ultimately being himself. Joe always knew that his first girlfriend in 6th grade wasn't really someone he loved and that his first kiss was horrible. Mainly because the person he kissed was already in a relationship but also because he'd much rather be kissing the person she is cheating on. More important than anything, Ben always knew Joe would be gay because Gwilym predicted it, his only issue was that Joe might not accept himself for it, but the boy is strong and he would be damned if anyone said otherwise.

As a freshman in high school, Joe openly walked around on pride day with a massive rainbow flag on his back and with clip-on earrings of the pride flag. It came as a shock to some people because perhaps it's that he didn't look gay or that he didn't act gay or talk gay or whatever excuse people use to be homophobic. There is no specific way a gay person talks or acts and maybe it's just the fact that Joe is pretty much your average Joe who loves baseball and is a nut for film, television, old movies and music, but the only difference between Joe and your average Jock is that Joe much prefers dick, and that's that.

He was accepted for who he was around others and at first, Joe was significantly happier with life. He was until he realized that no matter how much people understood him and accepted him that he would always be this clinically depressed fuck who has trouble getting out off of the bed in the morning because his anxiety takes over.

Ben couldn't really believe Joe was anything but happy. He thought Joe's days of crying in his mother's arms, crying in his room whilst playing dinosaurs and crying over nothing yet simultaneously everything were gone. Ben thought his human was finally like the rest of them but no, not Joe. The diagnosis was still new and Joe was receiving some sort of help for it but that didn't help.

Nothing ever really helped.

Sometimes when Joe was asleep after another long Wednesday night of crying and stressing over the new school year starting, Ben would sit by his bedside and just tell him how great he's destined to be. Ben would say that he is a kind human and there's no way in paradise anything can change that. Joe was born to do great things and great things he will do. He will be a good person- no, he already is a good person. A great person. He already is someone who knows right and wrong. Ben knows Joe is a great person and all he wants is for Joe to listen to his words and accept them. "You are talented Joe-" he whispered once more. "Just fucking accept it. Be the person you are destined to be and be happy doing it"

With that, Ben flew up and was joined at a table by his friends of highers. Sometimes they like to give updates on how everyone is doing, both with the highers and their humans.

Gwilym's middle-aged mum called Sara (without an 'h' as she spends her whole life saying) in Australia is doing reasonably well. She's like that stereotype of a mum. She does yoga, loves Starbucks, has three children, the eldest being Mary Lou and the two younger twins being Jimmy and Jody. If you can't tell, she loves old music and is very unoriginal at names.

Gwilym himself is enjoying it. He loves how the kids talk back to their mum but the mum is too lazy and cannot be arsed answer back. He's grown to know the angels who look after the children because surprisingly, they are all kind-hearted. This, however, is held back by the fact that Gwilym is a demon, and Sara is not that kind. She has cheated on her husband many times to the point where the twins aren't even his. Rami predicted this and left all of them disgusted but not surprised.

Allen's older man named John, but who rather goes by Jasper is actually a kind man. Hard to believe for the human of a demon but his wrongdoings are in the past and have spent time making up for it. By saying that, you can probably assume where he is. He doesn't particularly love prison life but he knows he deserves the punishment. The entertainment he gets from the actual place isn't anything but Allen will often tell him how "fucking stupid" he was to do it and the man will chuckle at himself for thinking like that because everything Allen says to him he just think is his guilty conscience playing with him.

This is pretty much all Allen spends his time doing. He makes sure Jasper doesn't get into any more trouble and just curses the man for being stupid.

Rami still has Lucy, and she is thriving! Rami is so proud of his human, his little Blondie has he calls her. Again, they all predicted right. She is very intelligent but has a lack of common sense and aspires for greatness. She wants to be an actress when she grows up and her parents have made sure that she has access to all she needs to accomplish it. She has gone to the top drama and performing arts groups in England and all across the UK.

It may seem that everything is all happy and dandy but her case is very similar to Ben's Joe. She has diagnosed anxiety issues, which may seem weird for someone who has to have confidence in what they do and to go up on stage, but it's a lot more complicated than that.

She acts every single day, playing a character very similar to herself except with one difference: this character can see happiness. She is such a ray of sunshine to other people that by the time she finds herself alone, she has none left for herself. She thought it was perhaps that making others happy would bring her happiness, so acting for the entertainment of others would bring joy, and it does! She wants to be the role model for people when she grows up.

She wants little children and teens in a similar situation to herself to look up to her so they can see that truly, anything is possible.  
"The footprints I leave behind should be big and clear enough for people in darkness to follow"  
That's what she goes by. A simple saying but a deep one. She wants people to follow her own steps to find happiness, even if she is still searching for it herself. She may not see happiness in a lot of things but when she digs hard enough she can find the good things, perhaps making her an optimist or just a hopeful person, but being that hopeful person comes with the price of knowing things aren't good enough already.

If you're searching for hope it's because you've already lost it.

Oh, how Ben wishes Joe could be like and think like Lucy. He wishes Joe could see good in life. Joe stays to himself even when people want to help. Joe isn't leaving any footprints like Lucy. He locks himself in his room wasting his creativity on crumpled up pieces of paper that hold masterpieces on them. He still writes you see, he's never really stopped. Writing anything and everything.

He writes sonnets about his crush and subverted ones about his life and society. He can write 2 sentence horror stories or 20 page long novellas. He can write a simple thought tracking scene to a full-blown script. He just writes, perhaps to distract himself from the things he writes about, though he'll always notice the wetness on the page as he writes and the blur in his vision as he tries to think.

His talent only got better as he wrote more and more. By the time he finished high school, he had far too many ideas in his head to put down on paper. Many times he got stories mixed up and plots intertwined with each other. It was frustrating but he fixed them all and had a decent sized collection of stories. They ranged genres as well.

Some were angsty, dealing with the issues of his life and how he viewed society, but some were fun and slapstick comedy at its finest. He even mixed two genres together, creating a hybrid, and it went beyond teen dramas or science fiction. He mixed mystery and romantic or realism with fantasy, no matter how strange or outrageous it seemed, he made it work.

He always seemed to find a way to make things work, which may seem good but Ben knew otherwise. There's no point in just making things work because it means you're not dealing with it properly. Ben knows Joe should put the time and effort into trying to solve his own problems and not just 'make them work' but he can't influence Joe's life.

Joe's growing up now, he's not the small boy who couldn't stop crying in his mother's arms or the still small yet bigger child who would cry alone in his room that Ben could help by playing dinosaurs with. Joe is growing up. Joe is trying to make life work when it obvious life isn't co-operation with him.

No matter how much Ben would love to say that things got better for Joe, they just didn't. Well, they weren't anyway. Ben was midway through talking about Joe with Rami, Gwil and Allen when he had this... feeling. It's strange. He knows very much his ability and the highers ability to feel emotion but this wasn't that type of feeling. It was strange.

At first, it was the weird feeling he usually ignores. It's the weird feeling he gets when Joe has a panic attack that he ignores. He can't bare seeing Joe like that and knowing he can't do anything? Knowing that his job is to protect Joe and yet he can't do anything?

Ben would much rather sit and wait for the sinking feeling to leave and then go and comfort an exhausted Joe and whisper the good things to him, not even sure if Joe ever heard them. Even if Joe does hear them, they almost never work.

This new, weird sensation just rippled through him with Joe's name echoing in his head though, a lot more than any other feeling he's had before. A burning sensation in his arm overtook him and although it wasn't pain, he knew that something like what was happening would've been excruciating but instead he just watched as a single line was engraved into his own arm.

He ditched the conversation he had going on and popped up in Joe's bathroom, seeing the boy standing in front of the mirror with a green handled knife in his right hand and with blood oozing down his left arm in exactly the same place Ben has this new scar as it seems. The blood from his arms and the tears from his eyes left Ben in this new state- a newfound emotion:

Shock.

"Roses are red, its stalk is green. It's thorns cut in deep and the scars are not seen. This rose drenched red, the actions were weird. The thorns left a scar that will not disappear. The roses red petals stripped, now only thorns persist. The thorns on the flower and the scar on my wrist.-" Joe looked at his arm but then shook his head quickly, sure to give himself a concussion of some sorts.  
"Stupid motherfucking depression makes me fucking do this fucking shitty shit because it's a fucking asshole that I wanna kill you mother fucker dick suker twatty-" he kept cursing himself throughout the tears and the drops of flower petals. He was trying to clean up but had to stop when he realized he left a trail of roses wherever he wiped over.

He just collapsed, sitting with his head in his knees and watching as a garden grew beneath him. Ben couldn't believe it. Who could at this moment? No human or higher could react to this in a right way. What would be the right way?

Joe is smart, Ben knows this, so when Joe held his arm above his head he knew it was to get the blood to stop flowing to his arm and to stop the roses altogether.

It eventually did stop, much to the surprise of both men. They were both beginning to worry that Joe would never stop growing these flowers out of him. Joe got up from his spot and cleaned up the bloody mess he made on the floor and on the counter.

He found himself in the same way he was when Ben first came down looking at himself in the mirror with that blurry vision and with his arms to the side, leaning on them. The only difference was that he didn't have the rose in his hand anymore.  
That horrible red rose.

Though he has no heartbeat, Ben can usually feel Joe's, and right now Joe's was spookily slow, almost like he was calm. Ben just shook his head, refusing to acknowledge the situation. 'He's stupid for doing this-' Ben thought. 'Stupid motherfucker'

"You are a stupid motherfucker Joe."

"I know I am."  
Joe blinked a couple of times before wiping away the droplets of water with his right hand, looking up at the ceiling yet so far beyond it.  
"Please help me. Someone."

"I'm trying"

"Not you. Someone but you, anyone. You can't help yourself, you only make it worse! Make it fucking stop p- please let it stop. Make it stop."

"I can't"

"You can't do anything,  can you. You never do anything right. You're a fucking failure"

It was at this point in time that Ben realised what was happening.  
He was having a conversation with Joe as Joe had a conversation with himself. He finally realized how it feels like, to have Joe in this state of fear and now fighting with himself.

Joe can't- won't realise who this voice is, yet with what he does think it just makes it worse.  
Imagine not being able to believe yourself. Not being able to agree with yourself.

Well, neither can Joe. He thinks he can but he can't because he isn't fighting himself, he's fighting his inner demon who actually turns out to be his external angel. The help makes it worse. It makes it worse. At this point, it feels as nothing works, but Joe will do what he always does.

He'll make it work because learning to live with it is better than working to fight it. Who knows, they could be the same thing, working and learning.  
They both have their weakness and strengths and mistakes, and Joe and Ben must admit that they've seen it all.

So who knows what Joe's doing. If he's learning to live with it or if he actually is working to help it. He knows for certain one thing:  
He's living, and even then- he's not doing that well.

By the time Joe had cleaned everything up and gone back to bed, he looked back up at the ceiling and again at the infinite above it. Ben wondered what Joe was thinking. It's one thing highers cannot do, read humans minds. They can feel their heartbeat and now apparently scar in the same places but they can't access their minds. It's peculiar but it's not like anyone can change it. They can do what they do and what they can't is because of a purpose, who knows why they can't though.

Ben felt no need to stay with Joe now he was asleep but found himself watching over him constantly. He stayed in the room, pitched on Joe's writing desk, wings carried behind him and pressing against the wall. Joe was a peaceful sleeper and always had been. Ben can remember Joe as a baby, going from crying all night to sleeping with a smile. Perhaps it that the dreams that he had as an infant that gave Joe happiness. If that's the case then he wishes Joe could dream as he did.

Sure, everyone has dreams- all humans at least. Dreams can either be the things you aspire to or the things that help you escape. Sometimes they can be both. Sometimes the things people aspire to are to be free and their dreams do that, yet for others, they want to be free and always have nightmares, or have dreams they could never believe in.

It's a realization Ben's only coming across now. What's Joe's dream?

He writes, so perhaps a writer. That's the closest he can get. Joe's never spoke about what he dreams of doing and has spoken about what he dreams about. Even if the two weren't linked, nobody would know. Maybe it's the fact that Joe already knows what he's doing and doesn't need to look towards something to accomplish it. Maybe it's the fact that Joe knows the world is truly shitty and that dreams don't actually get you anywhere. Dream all you want, if you're not putting the effort in then you're getting nowhere.

That's what echoed in Ben's mind as he found himself back at the table. Everyone questioned what happened but Ben didn't dare answer. He was thinking.  
Trying to find a way for Joe to get better, anything he could do.  
And then it but him.

He's Joe's angel, he can't do anything. He physically cannot do anything and if he tried, he would make Joe worse.  
So where does that leave him? Where does Ben stand right now?

Right now he sits, at a table that doesn't exist, thinking about what's happening. He's never had to deal with any of this before. Never has one of Ben's human been upset enough to cause pain on themselves.

Never has Ben felt this before. Definitely not happiness but it's not sadness. It's a fear. He's never been scared before yet in this moment he's terrified. What he just witnessed was very real and if he's not coping then how is Joe doing.

Joe's sleeping, trying to forget probably, but that's not how it works. You'll always remember the things in the morning that you were trying to forget the night before and Ben knows that truly now. Only because when Joe woke up it was as if the taps just turned on. He woke with his vision blurred and with the burning feeling still in his arm. Every time he touched it, Ben could feel Joe's fingertips touching his own scar. If he tried to touch it, Joe wouldn't feel anything, though it was expected.

The scar eventually went down to just a mark. It was a mark of weakness yet a mark of immense strength. A mark of woe and a mark of comfort. A way of coping with not being able to cope. Perhaps it shows truly how scared he is. Joe maybe just couldn't do it any longer- no, it's not a maybe.  
He couldn't and that's why he did it. He was tired of everything and that's how he coped.

It's a battle wound yet the battle goes on.


	3. II

That's how Ben thought of it anyway.

He saw the progression of Joe throughout his life and could see how it could be considered a battle. He could see how Joe is so strong and so vulnerable at the same time. He could see that Joe got down to it, trying to forget it still.

He kept trying to forget it just like the morning after. Just like the week and the month and the whole year after.  
He tried forgetting it like he wasn't realizing all the new wounds he had. When you venture into battle, you're in the line of fire. It doesn't matter which direction you go in. You'll end up in no man's land and that's a dangerous place to be, yet Joe finds himself entering every day.

It's a place of loneliness. Not a soul has claimed it and with him there, the statement still stands. He's not claiming it not does he have a soul. If he did then he would feel. He would feel but at times he finds himself feeling nothing. Sometimes a wound is formed just trying to feel something.

Sometimes he takes a visit to the red rose garden he has just to make sure he still feels because otherwise, he would be convinced he has lost all sense of being someone.  
Of being human.

He considers himself lucky nobody's found out yet- found out what he does. Nobody seemed to strike a question when he started wearing bracelets on his left arm to cover them up. Ben knew that wasn't just the reason, heck, he even told Joe himself. "You can't do anything when you don't have access to it"

Joe kept on saying this to himself. 'It's all for a reason'. It's what he manages to convince himself on a daily basis, even when nothing he does truly has a reason. Sometimes he does something for the sake of doing it.

It's a dangerous habit he has, thinking too deeply and feeling too little, quite a bad combination too. Fear of everything yet an equal fear of nothing. Having real fears or having them be irrational. Is it the fear of living or the fear of dying.  
Who knows because Joe doesn't and he desperately wants to. He wants the voice in his head telling him that everything will be alright to be telling the truth but he won't accept it, much to the disappointment and frustration of Ben.

He could scream it so the thought is more prominent in Joe's mind or whisper it to try and get Joe to calm down, either way, the man won't listen to him. It's not that it's going in one ear and out the other, because it's not. It's going into his head directly and he's choosing to ignore it.

Ben and Joe will have full blown arguments and all anyone will see is the crazy dude in apartment 39 that screams at himself in the early hours of the morning. All they see is someone who needs help yet blatantly yells "I don't want your help- you never help anyways. The thing killing me trying to help doesn't fucking help"

Ben took a break. It left Joe crying because the voice didn't answer. He screamed, kicked and punched the wall and himself for an answer. Ben hates leaving Joe like this but he doesn't and can't see Joe like this. It hurts too much for someone who can't feel pain.

For someone who has infinite knowledge, he can't understand Joe. He can't process the man even though he has literally lived his life with him. All Joe's problems have also been Ben's and yet he can't find himself a way to relate or a way to communicate to Joe to get him to listen. He never listens and it actually kills.

Even when he thought he was beginning to understand Joe, when Joe actually let go of his garden and burned all the roses to ashes, he almost immediately replanted them and tended for them. It's not that Ben didn't see it coming, it's that Ben realised that this thorn caught his right arm this time. As Joe's first, all the scars showed on Ben's body and this new one put into perspective Joe. It put into the light how Joe is, and that is not very good.

He decided to not fight anymore, Ben that is. If Joe wasn't going to listen then what was the point of trying. He could look over Ben or swoop down and keep eye contact with him, the man couldn't see him and no matter how much joe tried to drown him out, he would just bob back to the surface in a gasp for air.

One time he didn't.

One time he stayed under water. Ben hadn't spoken in a long time and Joe felt true loneliness. He realizes that this toxicity of life is a never-ending loop. Dying alive every day, an irrational yet truly rational fear mixed together is a real fear. Maybe it's a fear of the unknown, but Joe knew better than that. You can't think of something that isn't known. When he says life's shit, it's because it actually is. When he realized the never-ending loop in its purest form, that's when he realized the truth was everything and he just couldn't do it anymore. He stayed under the water even when he had no air in himself, only escaping when Ben told him to "stop being like that".

Simple words, annoying simple. What did it even mean?  
Could Joe just magically stop being himself? Could he stop thinking like that? Is this all just a test that Joe can stop at any time?  
No, it's not, yet he listened to the voice He hates because it's the only voice he likes.

He hates himself and the things he does but there's that one thing about his own voice in his head that he loves. Maybe it's the fact that it's not his own voice, but he doesn't know that. He genuinely thinks the arguments he has with himself are normal. The screaming and kicking and punching are normal because everyone hears them, right? Everybody's a little crazy in Joe's head, but then again in Joe's head is a person that's not himself, so it would be strange.

Joes not crazy though, not in the slightest. He's depressed but not crazy. He, if anything, is Joe. Ben's learned that you can't classify him with a group because he's so individual and unique. Ben's known that from the moment he was born, the moment he couldn't stop crying. He thought it was a burden but no, it's a gift.  
Joe is himself and is one of a kind. Maybe that's why it's so difficult to understand him because nobody knows or has ever known how he feels.

But then again, the person who has in the most literal form been there at every moment for him is Ben, and he can't understand him but surely knows best. Thinking this, why doesn't Joe listen? Because, as said, Joe doesn't know it's Ben.  
Joe, for an intelligent person, doesn't know much. He doesn't know how capable he is and how talented, funny, kind, diligent and eccentric he is. Joe doesn't realize that he's not normal, but if he did he'd think it would be a problem.

No, it wouldn't. Why would you want to be normal? Where the fun in that? Ben's had so much normal in his life he's kind of glad Joe isn't, even though the boy doesn't realise. Sure, there isn't such a thing as an ordinary human, but there is such a thing as an extraordinary human, and that's Joe.

There's so much about him to love it frustrates Ben. But then- seemingly out of nowhere, Joe hit a button. He hit a mental stop and fell face first into this button of courage. He knew he had to do more in his life than grow a bloody garden and watch himself fade away. Ben even told him this, saying "You're more than what you think you are Joe. You are extraordinary, go and be that"

And so that's what he did.

Joe knew it would be tough and Ben knew it would be tougher, but he would do anything in his impressive powers to get Joe to be something.

He still wants Joe to be himself, but sometimes he'll look at Rami and see his little Blondie and how well she's doing. Her talent and beauty have got her far in the acting and modelling sectors respectively. She's spoken openly about her struggles and how she's still working to overcome them but that hopefully in her footsteps she's left a good message behind. Not bad for a 24-year-old.

But for Ben's 25-year-old, who started from the bottom much later in life than Lucy, his struggles were there.  
You see, Joe knew he couldn't model himself up to be something smart despite his intelligence. He knew he couldn't redesign himself as something he isn't. He stuck to what he knows and what he loves, and that is writing.

He dug up a few of his old scripts from his mum's house. They were hidden away in the strict out of reach from anyone except Joe, who despite being short was taller than most of his family. He read over everything he had ever written pretty much, minus the sheets he threw away during his younger life. There's was one script that caught his attention. One he had written over a span of 2 years- he could tell by the change in handwriting.

It was a romance with some mystery in it and was far from stereotypical. It focused on a strange relationship between a couple and how one of them is a high functioning sociopath and the other is a writer trying to get their words down but never getting it in time, and by the end of the script, it is realized that there is no writer.

There is only one high functioning sociopath who invented himself a character to help get things and thoughts down but always forgot where he was going because he dwelled on where he had been. It ends with a final address by the lead: "So perhaps I don't know where I'm going. Maybe all my adventures are telling me where to go. Perhaps the writers tired of writing and I'll have to head home. You know, maybe that's where I'm going- home, the long way around."

A few adjustments here and there, taking out the gruesome unnecessary parts and instead of increasing the mystery. He was left with a pretty damn good script that he was proud of and boy did that make Ben proud. This and other things, including the fact the garden Joe had tended to are now wilting and the marks of weakness and woe are fading.

'It's amazing' Ben thought. Joe's doing well.  
Joe's happy.  
Joe's- well, he's like the rest of them now.

Just like all the other humans he had, Joe is happy. The smile he has is pretty much always genuine and the new outlook he has is addicting. It's strange how something so abnormal could be addictive but Ben found himself craving this positive energy Joe had so that he could always be like this. It didn't take long for Ben to realize that in actual fact, Joe is not like the rest, because who you are now doesn't discredit who you were. Joe was who he was and now he's happier and that makes him just as unique.

Joe loved it. For once he could say he loved life. He didn't really look back on what he had done before, look back at the big garden he had. He always knows to wear long sleeves but that just because he gets cold easily. He makes sure to not put himself under too much stress than he can take and is caring for himself.

Sometimes Ben gets carried away though. He forgets that Joe doesn't kick and punch himself anymore and that he doesn't need to get into arguments with Joe. He realizes Joe didn't need the positive whispers anymore yet found himself saying them at random moments anyway. Joe would just shake his head at the random thoughts. He's putting the past behind him, but by pushing the voice aside and 'making it work without him', surely it's just completing another loop again.

And that's what it became, another endless loop. When the script was rejected by a production company, Joe couldn't handle it. He had given his hopes up, filled himself with pride and faith and it was all knocked down with a simple 'sorry' in an email he received.

Joe is strong though. He wouldn't allow himself to fall into the pit he was in before and Ben wouldn't either, yet the situation was all so familiar as Ben got the burning feeling on his upper arm whilst sat at a table discussing Gwilyms new human Ashely. He rushed down to find Joe sat on his bed, legs crossed and laptop in front of him, petals soaking through the sleeve of his shirt.

"You did it again."

He didn't get a response. Or perhaps he did if you count squeezing your eyes shut and shaking your head a response.

"Why would you do it again?"

"Because I deserve it"

"No you do-" Joe got up from the bed and went to his bathroom. It was a mess with blood on the floor and counter just as it was the first time, and the second, and the third, fourth and every single time after. And it always ended with Joe looking in the mirror. Looking deep into his own eyes trying to find something. Perhaps feeling again as it used to be, or maybe to find the soul he thinks he's lost. Either way, it always ends up happening, though Ben was surprised when Joe threw the thorn at the mirror and when Joe got closer to the half shattered mirror, Ben got scared. Quite a bit more scared than he ever had been before.

The broken shards of glass were barely gripping to the wall as Joe started intensely at his distorted eyes. His whole face was co together and broke up by the shards.  
"Good fucking luck" he spat out before punching the remnants if the mirror and slicing his hand to shreds.

Ben had never heard a cry if pain more frightening than that. He hadn't ever really heard a true cry like that. The raw emotions Joe had as the nerves in his fingers and hand were sliced open and as the petals kept growing and growing. The tears flooded from his eyes as he clung to his hand, continuously cursing himself for being so stupid and forever believing he would be gotten anywhere anyway.

Looking over the scene, you'd expect it all to be gone in an instant. You expect something else as equally terrifying to happen and when Ben didn't see that it all kicked in.  
This isn't a nightmare he or Joe is having. He can't even have nightmares yet this is his worst. The man curled in the ball on the floor is in such pain and torture and won't stop crying.

Always crying and crying. Ben hates it, despises it. He had for ages ever since he had Joe. The sound of constant crying give him chills and not good ones.

Joe got taken to the hospital once be told him to get help. Once he was there, they did a full physical and mental check on him, stitching up his hand and asking him questions. They had his history and knew he was depressed but 'maybe' they thought, 'maybe it's more than that'

They asked him many personal questions and he was actually very kind to answer as best as he could. Perhaps it's him wanting to get help. No matter how many times Joe's hurt himself both men knew that he just wants help and won't accept the help being layed in front of him.

They asked if he ever heard voices. He told them truthfully, no. He hears himself and he knows himself can be frustrating. His own thoughts infuriated him to the point of screaming and kicking and punching. He told them though, he told the doctors it was normal. The patient told the professionals he was okay when he was anything but.

Joe's not crazy, no, but he's definitely not sane. He's no Joker to Batman or The Master to The Doctor, he's not a psychopath. He's a man who needs help and felt as though he couldn't get it so dealt with his struggles and issues in his own ways.

The medication they gave were heavy, long lasting and very expensive. Joe just had to remind himself of what he would be If he didn't take them. He would be an old gardener who can't deal with himself.

Joe still believes nobody can handle him but Ben knows that he can. If he was given the opportunity he could look after Joe with such earnest and love. He'd be able to sort his problems out with a few words. He says those words now and Joe is labelled insane. It's a harsh world the humans live in.

Over time, about 3 years to e specific, Joe found himself back on track with things. He was prepared to bring his script out to the eyes of production companies once again in the hopes that the rewrites and sleepless nights he had been spending on the script as of late would be worth something.

In actual fact, there was one film company that saw this script and adored it. It was loved.  
'For once-' Joe thought. 'Someone likes it'

Seeing Joe happy was something Ben enjoyed more than he should've. In actual fact, all highers were in a good situation right now. Lucy was still booming in the industries she loved. She had been recently spotted by a big Hollywood company for a film that would make her famous. A film that would bring her lovely smile around the world and spread her message or courage to all, still including himself.

Allen was still Jaspers only means of entertainment as prison life kept on going for him. Allen himself had predicted a middle death from a beating, which is rather brutal but with the situation, he is in currently, it's almost like an unknown death sentence.

Gwilyms new human Ashley had been mentioned but not fully. Sara, the lustful housemum from Australia got into a car accident and unfortunately died on impact. It was so sudden but always known and Gwilym, no matter how bad she was, felt sad that he wasn't by her side when she passed, but that was immediately changed when the group witnessed baby Ashley Kane being born. Not the smartest out there... at all. She's not a full on girly girl but loves all the stereotypes you can possibly think of. She'll have a singular love in her life that she will find young and they will stay together. She'll die from a botched surgery, which is unfortunate but set in stone.

This baby was strange. She didn't cry, at all. No whining or wingeing or being a burden, she simply rested in her mother's arms. It would be hard not be to consumed by jealousy which is why Ben found himself struggling when watching this baby. This bad souled and unkind human being calm, collected and peaceful.

It isn't fair.

Nothing was truly fair yet Ben found himself dwelling on the fact. Why couldn't he have gotten another happy human? Why was he stuck with Joe? Nobody truly knows why they get who they do apart from a good or bad soul, so it's a random lottery if anything. Maybe it's that when you win the jackpot every single time, a loss is hard to accept.

Saying this, Ben wouldn't trade Joe for anyone else. Maybe it's the fact that Joe is so different from the normal, so unusual and so unique that Ben is so protective of Joe. Maybe it's that for so long Joe could barely cope with anything and Ben made it his mission to try and help and although it didn't help, at all, he tried and in all fairness is still trying.

But perhaps he doesn't need to anymore, what with Joe's script now in the works and him being unusually happy. Not that there's anything unusual about Joe's happiness, no, more the fact that it's a rare sight to see him happy and that's the reason Ben adores it so much.

He sat beside Joe through everything and when Joe does set visits, he'll probably sit right next to him through that too. It's more than being Joe's angel at this point. Ben is so much more.

Or maybe he isn't. Maybe it's Joe that's so much more to Ben than vice versa. Perhaps it has been the fact that Ben has had to stick by Joe all this time that he physically, or as physical you can get to a human in Ben's case, can't leave Joe's side. It's not being clingy, it can't possibly be that. Who knows what it is, but it's there.

And whatever this thing is, it's currently working. Joe's in meetings following the adaptation people have done on his script and Ben is right beside him, admiring his smile and his laugh. Oh, how Ben loves that laugh, that laugh that took so long to escape Joe and now seems to be his favourite thing to do.

Ben could've stated through this boring meeting all day with Joe if he could but when Ramis instantly recognisable screech was heard rippling through him, he found himself comforting a crying Rami who was trying to comfort Lucy.

"What happened," he asked thought didn't get an immediate response. Within mere seconds Allen and Gwil had appeared to and were examining the scene before them.

Lucy was curled up on her bed, mascara tear stained cheeks opposing from her usual pink flushed cheeks. Her glassy eyes were truly shattered into oblivion as she shook under the blanket. Not that it was cold or anything- it was as warm as an English summer could be, yet she was shaking from what could only be described as fear.

Rami was equally as scared which is extraordinary for a thing with no emotion. Ben could only empathise as he looked at Ramis scar on his arm and then towards Lucy, who had apparently recently taken up gardening roses.

Ben asked again, "What happened" and finally Rami responded. He had been hiding Lucy's true workings for a while now, afraid of judgement. Lucy isn't evil and that's known but controversy waits for nobody, good or bad.

Although she wouldn't describe herself as famous she definitely wouldn't say she isn't known. Her name isn't household but to those in the business, she is very well appreciated. Modelling and acting are what she focuses on (acting specifically) and, well, don't they seem to be in the centre of controversies all the time.

It wasn't anything bad anyway, not anything that should be of concern really, but being threatened for something out of your control would be frightening. All that happened was a simple weight gain and not even a massive one at that. A simple weight gain and agencies turned her down. "Not beautiful enough," they said, all according to Rami.

All the speculation would drive the strongest of people crazy into a hole of despair. Once being the gorgeous sweetheart of a company to then being pushed away because of a condition she can't help. "Hypothyroidism my ass" Rami went on. She was taking her medication yet it fixed nothing and she kept taking them and taking them and taking them until the doctors said no. Even them, she found her way and kept taking them and of course, the damned media reports it wrong.

"Model turned druggie" he exclaimed, making Lucy cry more as a distant echo yearned through her, only reminding her of what situation she's in. What hurt more is that they say, model. Lucy had always regarded herself as an actress above anything and yet it turns out her career was on the balance from her weight and not her skill. It was never 'actress turns bad', but 'model' and as much as Rami and Lucy would like to admit that this hurt the most, it's the garden she grew with this that hurts the most. 'If this is what it boils down-to-' Lucy would think. 'Then why keep it good'

If they want a damaged body she would give them one. If they want a hurt being she would give them one. They want a broken human and that's what she did to herself, not for anyone else. She became the broken person she swore she would never be and if anything, it was out of spite.

Ben reminded Rami that it isn't permanent, or so he thinks. This is both their first human to do this, so whether the scars last or not is still a mystery to them, but it's there right now and if anything it shows that the human, Lucy, needs care. She needs Rami by her side as much as she can.

Ben showed Rami his arms and in comparison, Ben was still far worse than Rami was. Rami had one thorn there whilst Ben had too many to count. "It's okay," Ben told him. "You'll both be okay"

Allen and Gwil both said their fair share too, explaining how this is just her way of coping but Rami knew better. This wasn't her coping. Her coping was taking her meds, over and over and over until she had to find her own way of getting them.  
That was her coping, this was her surviving.

They all started to head back to their current homes, not that it was a building but the home of a human is where they resided most of the time. As much as Ben didn't want to leave Rami in this state, he didn't really have a choice. Joe needed him just like Lucy needed Rami. Ben left Rami with a final message. "From my experience, they really can't deal with the help. Just be there for her because she needs it."

"That makes no sense." He replied. It really doesn't make sense unless you're Ben.

"They can't deal with the voice, your voice. Just don't do anything stupid, look on the brighter side."

Sure, Lucy wasn't doing great at all. Lucy was not doing well by any means but it didn't mean her life was stopping. Both Rami and his Blondie know she still has something. One job. She still has one job waiting for her despite anything.

Get her fixed and well and get her that job. Make her happy.  
That's what needs to happen.

In an instant, Ben was back with Joe, so so thankful Joe was happy. Joe was doing great and for once Ben had to be thankful for that. Thankful Joe is over it, or as over it as anyone can be.

It doesn't just leave. You don't just have depression and then have it leave. It's more than just an infection that you can treat with antibiotics. It will always be there, lingering around. Like a dog in the corner of the room, it will bite you or it will stay calm. It will be there and either keep barking until you do what you can to drown the noise out or it will be a calm thing to pet and keep quiet.

There really isn't an in between. There isn't a stop. There isn't really anything at times, but world stopping doesn't mean the world stops and both Ben and his human have learnt that in the toughest way possible.

But hey, in the past it'll remain for now. In the past is where it belongs. The present is truly the greatest gift and appreciating it- well that's all Joe needs. He's doing well for once and it's in the present so leaving it behind would be stupid, but then again- catch him at the right time and Joe can be a pretty stupid person.

Saying this, he is in literature a literal genius and his stories remain impeccable and since this story, this script, the piece of work is doing so well, he's actually getting recognition. How could Ben not be a smug motherfucker? He would call on the highers just to ask how they're doing and just say to them "Well Joe's happy for once and that means I've done my job bitches"

It went on like that for ages, as Joe's film was getting its works done more and more, the happier Joe got. They had started casting the two lead roles in this though they had had one of them in mind for ages.

Lucy Boynton was what seemed a perfect candidate for the role in Joe's film, and Ben made sure she got the job. Hell, he didn't need to tell Rami to somehow convince her because he was already working on it. This was the one job she had left, her one chance of redemption.

She had been working so hard to calm herself. The garden wilted almost as soon as it had started and the medication problem was fixed with a quick word from Rami, even though Ben did remember telling Rami not to speak. Saying this, Lucy is actually very strong and didn't react in the same way as Joe did. All she heard was the distant call from her childhood best friend she would try and put makeup on.

If anything, it encouraged her. She wouldn't let herself fall into darkness when she still had footprints to leave for the children of tomorrow. She still had to be a role model for those in her situation and giving up was not the way of going about it, so she took the job, flying over to America to meet with the scriptwriter.

Ben and Rami just watched their humans talking. It was a miracle, the chances of them meeting so low yet here they were, speaking about working together on this as Lucy accepted the role she would be playing.

She and Joe became good friends, spending a lot of time together before they had even cast the male lead, which they actually had trouble in.

The director they had was quite basic and the production team were trying their best to deal with what they had, but a small indie .if he was going to get much attention in the first place, even with a well known (or well known enough) star like Lucy in it.

The day came when they would cast for the male lead and Joe knew better than to get his hopes up. Heck, Ben knew better than that. They would find their person eventually and this beautiful movie would get recognition.

So as the day went on and actor after actor came in and out trying to perform, Joe knew that there would be one person, just one who would be the perfect guy. They weren't finding that person today but maybe tomorrow.

Maybe next week.

Maybe next time.

There never was a next time though. There was never someone that could perform to any standard. Nobody, not the actors, not Lucy, not Joe were good enough.

'It's a wonderful script-' they told him. "But it won't work'  
With that, the plug was pulled on the whole thing and Joe (and Ben who was sat next to him) watched as his one chance twirled neatly down the drain.

And from that point on, things could only have gone worse and that's what happened. Joe was left in debt after using quite a lot of his own money on this production, not too mention the fact that he couldn't take the script anywhere else. It technically wasn't his anymore and whoever did own it was storing it away in a filing cabinet at the dump.

For Lucy, this was also her final chance. Her last attempt. She had never doubted her ability to act, nobody did. She is incredibly talented and yet she is left in this situation. None of this is her fault yet she suffers deeply from it, therefore making her angel suffer too.  
Rami sat by her on all those sleepless nights, all the drunken spouts and all those times she grew her garden. Saying it took a toll on then both would be an understatement.

This was it for her. Nobody wanted her any more.  
Her one purpose to be a role model was gone and her purpose in everything had fallen. What is the point? Truly, brutally, honestly, there isn't one and she knows that.

Joe did try to comfort her but when he himself needed the exact same support he tried to give, it didn't make for a good time. Ben was there for him just like Rami was for Lucy and yet they both struggled.

Joe faced it square on again, looking into the mirror, any mirror anywhere. He would look into it and see nothing. No, he's not a vampire, but what is there to see when there's no purpose. That's the one thing he and Lucy related to, they both saw no purpose.

Rami though, with his superior brain, that he could easily just talk to Lucy and get her to think otherwise. It worked before so it will again, but Ben was right for once. She was a strong character before but now she has nobody to act and she is but a fragile shell of a human, quietly crumbling to the floor.

Her stay was coming up. She'd have to go back home to no residency. No place to call home except the area. This was her one shit and it failed and with no point, this was it.

One last swig, one last hit, one last look in the mirror, mascara tear stained trailing down her defined white skin as the broken mirror showed her broken figure. Ben was (again, as ways and especially now) trying his best to help Joe out. Joe needed Ben, just the energy of something there made Joe hold back, but when he heard Rami's call, he and the demons found themselves alongside Rami as he looked upon Lucy, not curled up in a bed this time, but standing on the barricade of her hotel balcony.

She held onto the ceiling above her, what would be the floor of the room above own balcony. A silk dressing gown on was all she had, nothing else. Nothing to her name but a ruined career and a ruined figure. Nothing would come of the name 'Lucy Boynton' except for the mention of her demise and her final kick of the bucket.

'At least-' she thought, 'taking a step is still a footprint'

Looking down on it, the sight of her, his Blondie, Rami couldn't. He wanted to catch her when she fell but was reminded of the fact that human contact kills the human.

"A kiss won't kill," he said, swooping down and silencing the horrid thoughts that engaged Lucy.

Gone were her worries, gone were her fears. Gone was her ability to hold herself on this high ledge, making her get down and fall to the cold floor of the balcony.  
Gone was everything else.

Ben found Joe once more exactly where he had left him. He wasn't quite sure what had just happened or where he went but it must not have been important if he can't remember it. He has actual important things to be doing anyway, like making sure Joe gets out and about and doesn't do something stupid.

Right now Joe was actually meeting up with his friend Lucy and her boyfriend Rami. She had fallen onto Rami for support when they film got cancelled but she knew Joe didn't have anyone like that and so she almost made it her objective to be there for Joe, even if he didn't want the help. Perhaps their similar situations helped when it came to empathizing, Joe being depressed and Lucy being anxious, but Lucy had been with Rami for a while, through her controversy, her almost overdoses and tough times.

He is a good man, some even say he's doing gods work.

And the fact that having just someone there made Joe jealous and that made Ben angry because truly, Joe did have someone, but it's someone who drives him crazy and who he'll never see. It wasn't like Ben could ever get him to see, it's quite literally impossible. Ben knows better than to complain about the things he can't help yet finds himself dwelling on the subject, even when it got to that point.

The point of Joe not caring, the very dangerous point.

All this time there had been something in Joe to stop him doing that one thing. Maybe it was Ben speaking to him that made him believe he was crazy, so doing what he thought about doing wouldn't be logical. He had spoken to Lucy about it and she spoke of how she tried it more than once, one time with the medication and another at a hotel, but Rami found her both times and saved her.

Joe explained how he always had been the one to clean up after his own gardening. Nobody was there to save him so he had to be his own Shrek to his Fiona and save himself, though that doesn't mean he still doesn't need saving. It's a fact Ben knows a lot more than anyone else: Joe doesn't actually want someone, he needs it. He needs someone to help him and be there yet he finds himself more than ever alone, especially when he needs it. It's just Joe's luck and it's the only luck he gets in his life.  
Who said all luck had to be good?

If anyone did say that, they're an idiot. Though Ben was certain at some point in time he probably would've said something similar to that, but then Joe happened and now Ben has the whole other perspective of humans, their workings and trinkets. Their fascinating things are humans, Allen and Gwil agree on that, though the demons have complicated humans, so they have always had no choice but to agree with that.

Saying this, Ben now has the opportunity to say it, creating a new experience, and new experiences give way to helping future people. Ben knew to be thankful for this, for Joe, and he soon came to the conclusion he had been needing to for a while. What is it about Joe? Why is he constantly pulling Ben towards him?

Joe really isn't doing anything to pull Ben in. It's Ben that is the one who can't leave, and that's all because, well-

"Help me."

A call for him brought Ben back to Joe's side, standing tall beside the cold man, shivering may be out of the cold and the fear. He was clearly scared, not terrified or frightened, but scared. It all boils down to that one emotion and that's all Joe can feel right now, an irrational yet equally rational fear.

A fear of death yet fears of life.  
Fear of everything.  
A fear of himself.

Living with this fear, a never-ending loop of insanity, it's almost like he can't escape.  
But no matter where you are, there is always at least one way out and Joe knew this was finally his time. This was his only time in life there would be a success because he's had enough.

Ben could only let tears fall as Joe walked over to his bed with one thought in mind. Joe was going to do this and nobody can stop him, not like anybody cared enough anyway. Ben knew that there's a better way of living your life. You don't just give up. You don't just let things happen. You make a stand. You say 'no'. You have the guts to do what's right when everyone else just runs away.

But Joe is so tired. He's exhausted.  
He has no guts and has let things happen for too long and so this is him making a stand. There's only really one wrong thing to do and Joe hasn't done that yet, only found ways of coping and doing right. He won't do what's right anymore but he won't run away. He'll find the better way of living and it seems that this is it. Joe doesn't know of this better way of living life but he can only guess:

If dying is the better way of living, so be it. He'll live the better way forever.


	4. III

How Ben wanted to stop this.  
How he would've tried.  
How he knew Joe would not listen to the voices he hates.

Joe's idea was set in his head, and what is set in there is in stone.

Stone can break though, can't it? Stone can crumble over time and become weaker until nothing remains. That's the thing though, it needs time and Ben knows Joe is not going to waste time doing this. Time is funny, bad things can take no time at all to happen and the good things can take forever. It's not ideal by any means but it's how it works. Time takes, well- time.

Ben didn't take his eyes off of Joe for one second as he slept. It tortured him how innocent Joe looked. How he looked so damn peaceful in his sleep that it was scary. He had no troubles, there was no torment and no worries. He was at ease in his slumber and it was terrifying.

At this moment Ben wished the nightmares Joe faced in his awoken state were one he could dream and that's the peaceful thoughts that haunted his sleep could become his reality. Anything to make Joe happy. Whatever it would take would never be enough. For Joe, it wouldn't be enough and hell, was there a point in trying? In no time at all Joe would have a plan and would follow it up and that is exactly what happened.

Nobody questioned Joe about it and if they did, Joe could easily put it out. People often joke about how writers could be serial killers and disguise their search history as research but what about the writers like Joe who's search history was really for themselves and not to help characterize the "depressed and lonely" role in a new script he's writing. A script of a denying man going a bit quicker than the rest.

A man who has to turn to the cowards way out. A man who's tried his best and just can't do it. He tried his best and it wasn't good enough for anyone. A man much like Joe, choosing his route out of life.

For somebody who wants to die, he really didn't want any pain. With his life being filled with it, you'd expect Joe to be able to handle pain. He's put himself through it and suffers through it at his own account yet hated it. When it came down to Joe planning this, Ben wasted no time in leaving to go seek comfort.

He went to the demons to get some kind of a weight off his shoulders but there was just a big hit of realization. Nobody could do anything. Not Gwil, Allen, Ben or even Joe, they couldn't do anything to help him. He would ask Gwil to talk about his child if a human and he did, but being a child, nothing happens and life is boring.

Allen spoke of his Jasper, still in jail, still suffering and it seems Allen himself is too. He couldn't open his eyes to look at Ben or anything. He seemed stuck in his own little world away with the fairies. He had his own little problems right now, but whatever they were, in Ben's eyes they could wait.

Joe was facing these inner demons yet had quite literally no demons at all in his life. He had an angel who loved him dearly and a good future ahead of him yet that the future will not be told. It will be a draft of a book that never gets published. It'll be the imagination of an overreactive mind never settling, never being at ease.

It was nerve-wracking for both Ben and Joe. Ben couldn't handle the constant tears, the unhappiness and the truth. Joe couldn't handle life at its simplest. Throughout this Ben thought and thought long and hard for weeks. He took a whole month of his eternal life to face it: he was only beginning to realize what Joe had been going through. This wasn't even the half of it- the quarter- this was so so small in the amount of fear Joe has been living with and it's killing him.

By the time Ben went to check on Joe again, he had a plan. Be it not a good one in terms of both intention and how it's planned out but it's a plan nonetheless. A quick, painless way according to Lucy.

Joe had known about Lucy's run-in with drugs before he met her. She had almost overdosed herself but Rami had found her before she could go further. From what she said, it's the nerves that kill more than anything, even though it's the drug that kills in the end.

Ben watched with anger as Joe paced up and down his bedroom, door locked and cute in closed, roses red seeping from him. He watched as Joe made a choice. What was the choice? Was it debating whether he should do this or not? Was it something sane?  
No, of course not.

Go with heroin or go with prescription pills. Inject it on swallow it down. Make it part of him or just another thing he's pressed down further and further into him.

He watched as Joe mixed tears with petals and how the tears seeped into the thorns' scars. How such a picture was painted from such cruelty was beyond him. How was seeing a man struggle to be how it was to Ben: nothing.

At this point, Ben had learned to make this hard time anyway better. He found Joe calling for that voice again, begging to tell him he was insane and that he should stop himself but Ben rarely answered. Joe longed to kick and punch and scream at himself like he used to but had no reason to.

There was no insanity in him. Ben had known this all Joe's life. Joe isn't insane, he never was and still isn't even in this time. All the things Joe was and is are perfectly normal in the eyes of an angel. He's just a struggling person who tried to find a place in life and watch it crumble to pieces in front of him. Perhaps it's always been set in stone then, and the time has been used up.  
Joe's time is up and this so the final result.

Ben was never told how Joe would die, funny that. He found out who Joe would be as a person and how smart he would be and should've found out how he died but he didn't. Allen didn't fess up. Perhaps that's why he looked so distraught at their last meeting.

Allen had known this was the end. This was Joe's final piece- his final monologue. This was the last testament of Joe that had been set in stone from the very beginning. This was the last piece Joe would offer to the world. The last script he writes.

Fuck going out with a bang. He's been different his whole life, so why would Joe follow the same pattern of going out in style. Ben would chuckle as Joe swore to the heavens about how when he'd get to see whatever entity is up there, he kicks the living shit out of him until he could begin to process what pain he'd been putting Joe through.

Little did Joe know that he could do that already. In fact, he's done it. Ben knows more than any angel should at this point. He knows physical pain. Through all the thorns in his side and times watching Joe, Ben could say with no evidence that he knew what Joe felt like.

Ben loved looking after humans and he's sure he still does, but when you've failed at the only thing you were brought into this world to do, it's bound to take a toll on you. It's bound to swallow you up and spit you back out and watch you wither away in despair.  
Ben loved looking after humans until he had Joe. Now? Now Ben's craves it.

He craves the need to make others happy. For once he wants to make someone happy and not bring them down yet there is no way that can actually happen. He brings the demons down by dwelling on Joe and he brings Joe down by existing. It's a sad life he doesn't live. Ben doesn't live at all. He isn't supposed to be there and yet he feels all the same.  
Sometimes he wishes he could meet whatever damned thing out him into existence and he could kick the shit out of them for the same reasons Joe would, yo prove and emphasise a point.

But Ben can't do that. Why? Because when Joe does die, Ben will have a new human. Ben will have a new human baby to be there for and to help them through life. Maybe this new baby wouldn't be a fuck up. "Not that Joe is a fuck up-" he would have to remind himself. "But this whole thing is one big fuck up."

When it came to the date, all was set. A week to go and Joe would be free as a bird, though knowing Joe he would probably become a demented pigeon and fly away in the wrong direction. Nonetheless, it's a week of suffering left until pure bliss. One week until absolute nothingness.  
Oh, how Joe couldn't wait.

He would go around telling people what good things are to come. He would tell Lucy about his new production with a big plot twist and how she had a part to play in it. She unknowingly made the lead characters life a little bit better for a bit and then a whole lot better when talking about her experience.

Part of Joe's plan was to stay hidden, create suspense and fear and tension for the climax. Joe knows how to write a story, he'd be damned if the one part of life he kept consistent would stop now. To put it in simple form, Joe's plan was his own story, it's very own script. At the end of the play when hopes are high, one final sermon, speech- one last monologue of fate will be delivered before the final blow. The last hit- the first high in his life.

Joe at least found some entertainment in this. If you're designing your own demise at least make it humorous, not that anything about this is in anyway way shape or form humorous, but the fact that a whole life can just go in the blink of an eye, in one swallow or in one cut is... interesting.

It caused Ben to ask some questions. What's the point in being happy, or even just pretending to be happy, if you'll be sad later? The answer is of course: because you'll be sad later.

Ben watched Joe walk out the flat, down the stairs and out the block with the widest grin on his face. Joe had never been able to act yet he could put on a show of happiness any day. Ben followed Joe down the street, knowing exactly where and what he's doing today. He'd try and stop it but what's the point. What can he actually do anyway? What can he do that will not drive Joe crazier than ever?

He can just look over and wait. A week til it all goes downhill in his eyes but up in Joe's. He can't imagine what Joe is thinking because he doesn't have the power but after being with this man his whole life, he can maybe begin to think about it. Being an angel is a privilege in itself until it gets to moments like this, where that privilege brings you down. If he wasn't a higher, an entity of any sorts- if he wasn't a thing in this vast existence he wouldn't be capable of feeling anything. He wouldn't be anything in the first place.

Feeling nothing is a lot better than what he is right now though. Ben can't feel the physical pain Joe does but the emotions are there nonetheless. Ben's experienced more pain then any human could imagine. He's experienced more hurt and more love than any person is capable of. In that sense at least he can empathise with Joe. At least in one way or another, he can feel the overwhelming feeling of emotions Joe is, perhaps this being the only way he can.

Soon enough Ben found himself looking at Joe with disgust despite knowing why Joe's here, at a pharmacy, complaining of a headache that won't go away. It aches all over and he just wants something to put it down. By doing this, he really isn't wrong. It may be indirect but it will take the pain away. It'll take everything away, there will quite literally be nothing in this world for Joe anymore.

Ben knows, after having to remind himself over and over, that Joe will have his paradise after this and he'll live as long as Ben will. Ben could check on him if he wanted to but he's sure he wouldn't be greeted with a warm welcome when Joe would recognise his voice.  
Sure, leaving this shitty earth isn't the exact end, but it's such a waste of everything.

In Joe's case, it's a waste of immense talent. It's a waste of kindness and above all a waste of a human. A tear glided down off of Ben's face, dispersing into nothing at the thought of this. It's nothing a higher should ever have to think about: losing their human too early, but it can only be unimaginably worse for the human themselves.

'That's why,' Ben thought. 'That's why he's doing this. It's gotten so bad that this- It's the only way'

Neither Joe nor Ben were sure what the exact amount of pills Joe would have to take to kill him, but he had more than enough exiting the shop and just in case he didn't, Joe reminded himself not to eat so that he has better chances.

Thinking about how Joe can just imagine this vile and graphic yet not be bothered by it revolts Ben. It's disgusting. It's something that shouldn't be thought of yet Joe goes into such detail about it whilst talking to himself that it's almost been made a normal thing- a habit even.

It's like a nursery rhyme: it looks all fun and normal to think about with its continuous nature and regular rhymes but most of them are based on distressing things that certainly are not normal and regular.  
It's a subverted, which (looking on it now) is a pretty accurate way of describing Joe.

The next 6 days were spent in solitude, isolation, fear. For someone who wanted something so badly, Ben could tell Joe was more scared than anything else. Sure, he saw this but couldn't do anything. He couldn't even pity Joe, not really.

You'd have to feel bad for them if you want to pity them and Ben doesn't feel anything towards Joe anymore. He's seen this man through everything and to throw it away? It's unethical and should be a sin. Technically, murder is a sin, and with the end of life in one way or another, it's cold-blooded murder.

That's all went through Ben's mind- how Joe was doing this to himself. Ben wished he wasn't here. He reminded himself that he could fly away at any moment or just appear at the table to talk with Gwilym and Allen but he swore to himself to stick with his humans. He was always there for his human's deaths and he'd be damned if Joe was goìng to be another difference to him.

Now all they had together was 24 hours.  
That's all Joe had left.  
24 hours and Joe would be gone and Ben would be free of him. Did he want to be free of him? No, not at all, but did he want to see Joe in any more pain? No, never.

Joe (having everything planned to a tee) knew off by heart what these last hours he had would consist of, and it all started now.

Ben watched Joe as he scrambled around his small apartment he would've been evicted from soon anyway. With seemingly nothing left Joe was trying to find something in a heap of mess in his living room. He had stopped using his phone ages ago so he could only kick himself for losing it and not keeping an eye on it. When he did eventually find it, he charged it up because it was dead. 'Lucky bastard' Joe told the phone.

Joe spent most of the next 12 hours cleaning the house. When they find him, he's aught to make his house look at least decent enough for them. There were a few times Joe would stop cleaning and find a mirror to look in, eyeing up this exhausted figure. Every single time he did this, Ben would tell him this wasn't how it was supposed to end, even though it really was.

Ben had called Allen down to him so they could watch Joe together for a moment. That's where Ben asked, "is this what you saw?" Allen nodded, no emotion showing. That's when Ben knew that this (despite being wrong and preventable) was how it was always going to end. If he could change it, in any way, he would, but it's written in whatever golden pages it be.

Forget stupid love tales and hopeless romantics explaining to their lovers how they're together. This is meant to be. Love is in its own way but this is the truest form of it. This is- well, this is it.

With not long to go, Ben stood opposite Joe who was sat on his small couch, which was actually a box he didn't want to unpack. Phone in his hand, fully charged, he went to his contacts in this final hope. This was the one thing Joe couldn't write about in his plan: whether they would answer.

It was a sentimental thing more than anything else. A small thank you for making life a fraction less shit. Joe thought it was a good idea on his behalf but he was wrong, it was Ben's idea. Ben had been the one to speak up after so long and tell him to "be kind to others in replacement of yourself" which led to Joe making the decision to do this.

The first person he would call would be Lucy, his one true friend in recent times. She was a good influence on his life until she became a bad one by unknowingly giving Joe this idea, but in Joe's brain, that was still counted as a good influence.

The beeps of the phone dialling and then waiting for an answer was torture for Joe and anything but for Ben. The mere fact that Joe was doing this gave Ben some kind of happiness in this time of utter despair.

They both waited, and waited, and waited, Joe even calling again when she didn't pick up the first time. When she didn't answer the second time, Joe just went to plan B and waited for the deafening bleep of the tone, where he would leave his message.

"Hey, Luce! I'm- just tried to call to say hi. It's- I've been busy... yeah, that works. I er- I'm quite stumped with what to say in all honesty. I thought you'd pick up so we could have a conversation but you didn't so now I got to improvise which is never fun.-" he took a breath and looked up, blinking away this one tear in his right eye. "In just going to get to the point so I don't start rambling like always. Lucy, you are a talented, amazing actor and you will do such amazing things. You have a good life with your man and I can only imagine how happy you will be. You are and always will be the optimist, something I could only have dreamed of ever being. You're a hoper of far-flung hopes and a dreamer of improbable dreams. Unfortunately, that's not for me. I don't have a date anymore, or maybe I do. Maybe this is my fate... that makes a lot of sense actually. Rest is for the weary, sleep is for the dead, and death? Death is for the best in some cases. Courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway. You understand that right?... Yeah, you understand.-" he smiled, cruel and horribly almost.

"Goodnight Lucy, I'm going to go to sleep soon. Bye bye"

Joe ended the call and left Lucy with a single voicemail. A final pep talk from him. It wasn't ideal and Ben knew this but again, "at least he's doing this".

Next on his list to call was his parents. Ben didn't understand why Joe had such an estranged relationship with them. They were kind to him as a child and tried to help him through everything. The only thing they're guilty of is not understanding what he's going through. Ben also knows that really, the only reason Joe doesn't speak to his parents is that he hates them for ever bringing him into this world.

They made him, this misery, sad excuse of a human being. It was their fault, but they probably didn't mean it. They had joked to him once or twice that he was an accident and Joe would not be surprised, probably even thankful if that was true.  
At least they wouldn't be too sad when he goes.

They actually picked up. They answered the phone much to Joe and Ben's surprise. They were quick to fall into tears, or at least Joe's mother was. It had been a while and they thought it would probably be the first in a long time to come too, not realizing that this-this would be the last.

Joe went on about how he loved them, how he never blamed them for anything and how nothing was their fault and that he was thankful for such great parents. They obviously got suspicious and knowing their son's history, went on about how they love him and how he shouldn't be saying things like this. They said how stupid he was being when Joe already knew how stupid he was.

He said he needed to go- that he was busy and that he needed to go. He kept saying "I love you" and wouldn't let them get their words out until his mother shouted his full name, only said when he's in trouble, and told him: "Letting it get to you, you know what that's called? It's called being alive, and it's the best thing there is. Being alive right now is all that counts."

With no way of stopping the tears in Joe's eyes from falling, Ben could only attempt to calm him down. He got one word out before Joe waved his hands around his head wanting the voice he hates to leave. They kept talking on the phone but Joe was truly busy and had to go, making sure to get one last thing out to them.

"You just have to move forward. Pain and loss define a person just as much as happiness and love. Whether it's a world or a relationship, everything has its time, and everything ends. Everything’s got to end sometime anyway, otherwise, nothing would ever get started. Goodbye, I love you both"

And the line went dead

Joe didn't give himself time to get over that emotional landslide. He quickly went over to the house phone and dialled the one number he always knew would never answer: his own.

Fuck suicide notes, that's way too cliche. Joe about a voicemail, that way you truly hear the pain and anger and everything in a person's voice when they're saying what they are. You can't gain anything from a piece of paper with a few scribbled lines on it. Joe can't act or perform so this wasn't going to be a monologue or anything, he was just going to talk truthfully.

He saw his phone buzzing as he called it but just focussed on the vibrations it made and how it bounced the phone up and down. When it stopped, and the voice in the house phone said to leave a message, Joe cut straight to the point, keeping things quite blatant (much to Ben's dismay)

"This is Joe Mazzello, calling from his house phone to say a few things before I leave. First of all, fuck the world and most of its inhabitants, you're all motherfuckers that can burn in hell. Second of all, never be certain of anything, it’s a sign of weakness unless you're certain of your weakness, which I am in this moment. I find there's always something to look at if you open your eyes yet the world chooses to remain blind. I see it's true colours and let me tell you, it fucking sucks. I constantly find myself being scared of irrational things so impossible they actually turn rational and I'm tired- so, so exhausted of it all. It's driven me to, well, to this. This is who I am, right here, right now... all right? All that counts is here and now, and this is me! Who am I? I'm Joe Mazzello, signing off with a massive 'Fuck you'."

He did well enough to hold off the tears during it but could do nothing to suppress them after. He bawled and bawled until he went hazy and had to sit down, choosing the comfy cushioning of his bed. Ben sat opposite him, cross-legged, just waiting.

They both waited, Joe checking the time every now and then to make sure he hasn't missed it and Ben just waiting for Joe to be happy. It was a horrible game to play but one they both indulged themselves in... happily.

People say you lose track of time when you're having fun but Ben found it was in no time at all that he realised Joe had everything set up in front of him. It wasn't much but it was enough to kill him.  
Poor choice of words there yet also quite true.  
This is it.

It's the crying that got to Ben. As a baby, Joe would never stop crying, ever. Ben grew to hate the sound because it showed unhappiness and perhaps it still does. The fact that Joe has been so eager for this to happen meant that these were happy tears yet something about his resistance made Ben think otherwise.

The fact that he held that first pill for way over an hour, taking it in but then again not. Admiring how something so small could do something so big. Something that isn't much to some would be something so catastrophic to others gave a thought.

Death doesn't mean much to the people who accept it but to the people who fear it, it means everything.

A shake of the head and the thoughts were wiped clean like an etch-a-sketch. Without another thought, Joe put the pill in his mouth and swallowed hard as the pill began to dissolve in his mouth and leave a bitter, grainy feel.

With another one and another, Ben couldn't focus on what Joe was doing. There was no way he could think if anything but the pulse rippling through his arms.

He doesn't have a pulse, which is what scares him at first. How could he be feeling a heartbeat when he doesn't have a heart? It took a while to realise what it actually was: Joe's heartbeat.

Ben could only feel it in his arms, specifically on the scars that Joe's ventures in gardening gave him. Joe's heart was racing and Ben could feel that. Nor angels or demons can know how their human thinks or feel what they feel, so the fact that Ben could definitely identify the fact that Joe's heart felt like exploding was worrying.

Ben can't feel pain and he's been glad of that forever but now he wishes he could feel something, anything. He wishes he could have the sensations Joe is so he can feel the need to do something.

How desperately he wants to do something, anything. It's hard to let go of the things that you love an- love.  
It's a matter of fact now, isn't it?

Joe's always been different though there are many in the world like him. Joe's been able to see and hear things humans can't hear and see. Joe's different because he has an angel to love him.

Maybe if Joe had known fully what Ben was he would tolerate a world full of 'demons' for the sake of an angel. He would have put up with the problems and thoughts and negativity for the sake of love. But that's the way it's always been and has always supposed to be: Joe and the sadness. It seems that there can't be one without the other.

Over the course of his being, Ben's seen many a face. Sometimes Ben would see someone so beautiful and then actually get to them and who they're watched over by and five minutes later they deserve nothing. Then there are other people, and Ben would meet them and think 'not bad', they’re okay. And then he'd get to know them, and their face just sort of becomes them like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful. It's happened many times for Ben to see a pretty face but only once to see a beautiful person and he won't let that slip away, not now.

"You've met so many people, made so many friends and you feel like you have nothing. You've helped people without ever helping yourself and you think when the time has come for this to happen you'd have to do anything more than just ask? You've made an existence happier for at least one thing to that one thing you've saved them, so why not try to save yourself? You think the world would be better off without you but nobody agrees."

Ben drifted up and sat next to Joe instead of the opposite. Joe was still adamant though, shaking his head and taking in another pill, starting to sweat. "This is supposed to happen. Nobody can help me anymore, seems that I can't even help myself if I'm arguing with my own fucking thoughts"

"I can't let you die"

"I have to die!"

"Shut up! I can't let you die without knowing you are loved by so many people but by no one more than me"

Joe let out a scream, he usually did this out if frustration and pain so Ben wasn't taken by surprise. "Who are you?! Get out of my head I just- I just want you out of my head! Let me do that, please. Let me die and get rid of you"

"If I let you die I will suffer, strange for something that shouldn't be able to feel"

"You'll be dead when I'm gone"

"I might as well be"

Craziness was something Joe very much believed in now. His own brain telling him how shit life will be when he's gone. He had been called a maniac by many but had always thought of it as normal, even when the doctors said it wasn't. To him, he'd always been like this.  
This was his normal and it's time to put a stop to it.

He picked up another pill and went to put it in his mouth, a repetition of the few times he had done in this same night. Ben wouldn't allow it. Enough is enough. Ben did one thing before the darkness came.

One thing to end it all... for him.  
What The other highers had said about it were true: it's quick and painless and afterwards, there's nothing.

Ben couldn't grab Joe's arm to stop him putting the pill in but he could definitely shut him up with a different thing.  
One simple thing.  
One kiss.

In a time of death, a kiss of life was it.

Now all there is darkness, which is hard to describe for Ben seeming as he isn't there.  
He isn't anywhere: not by Joe where he was or anywhere on earth or in the higher's world.

He's gone.

_____

Absolute blackness is haunting. It's hard to imagine because it is literally nothing. You aren't there or anywhere. You just aren't.

So when Ben gave Joe his kiss, his lifeline, his life that never was, he could safely say that he felt nothing. No fear, anger, anxiety, no nothing.  
Ben just wasn't.

He wasn't until he was, which is a hard concept to understand but it happened. Just as god supposedly said "let there be light" when there was darkness, Ben found himself floating around in a blissful something of darkness though this time it's not bad darkness.

There's a difference between nothing and the dark. Some people are scared of the dark when really they should be scared of nothing. Ben fears neither darkness or nothingness, but he does fear one thing in this moment: pain.

For the first time Ben has felt something physical and it hurts but it hurts so well. 'This is what it was like' he thought. All he could truly think about was Joe, how he hoped this kiss worked and that he didn't give everything up for nothing.

Saying that, if a kiss kills then how is he thinking? If Ben had given everything up then how is he still something?  
Who the fuck knows. Ben can feel pain now so something must be going on.

It was a bit blissful just floating around, despite the pain aching throughout his body, specifically on his arms though where he noticed scars still there, but some were fading.

Internally there's a panic. There's are tears and screaming and crying and self hate but it's all so peaceful. For once, he's at ease again, unsteady ease as it is but still a calming effect.

Ben could safely say he was content with being like this for ages and found himself doing that but was interrupted with something... strange. Familiar in a way yet so unfamiliar too.

Possibly because it was a situation Ben had been in before, just with the roles reversed. Instead of being the voice with no face in someone's head, he was someone with a faceless voice in his head.

He couldn't make out what it was saying at first. He was so tranquil at this moment nothing could stop it. He didn't know what this voice was saying but could tell when it asked a question: "do you love him?"

Ben didn't need to be told who this 'him' was to know that this voice meant Joe. This voice was asking "do you love Joe?" And in Ben's opinion, he doesn't really know.

To think about it- to think about it he really does love Joe, Ben realized it's more than just saying the word. He could say he loved anyone if it meant that the person or higher meant a great deal to him, but truly an utterly loving them?

He had said he loved Joe because he adored him, completely and utterly attached to him in a separate way than being Joe's angel. He was infatuated and still, in this vast darkness, has a yearning for the man. The man he could never have.

It's something common in the human world. Having a deep love that's far more than a crush and having it be for a person you can never have. It doesn't matter what the restrictions are, the consequence for everyone is a deep pain of not being happy.

But that's on earth. The higher's realm has heightened love, heightened pain and heightened emotion towards everything. Imagine the love a human has multiplied by an infinite amount and then the pain of restriction multiplied by infinity too.

It's something Ben knows all too well, from the death of his seemingly one true love in 1665 (and now he realizes how less he felt at that point in deep comparison to now), to now, where he himself is gone and the fate of what happened to Joe is unknown. For once Ben is clueless and it's not a good look.

Those inner screams and tears pouring out and dispersing into nothing are all too true now. The weeps of an angel are never pleasing, especially when it's those of an angel that is no more, yet still crying over love. It's all a reality for a thing with no true realness.

When it gets to that point, where even when you're not caring for yourself, even when you can't be considered something anymore. To Ben, that's love in a pure form.

So through the tears that were flooding out and after forcing a stop to the piercing screams, Ben could only one from the sore nature- the pain he had in his throat. In a quick beat though, he knew it was more than a simple yes or no he would have to show. He'd have to say it and in turn, say what he intends.

"Yes. I love him."

It took forever for a reply. Ben even thought that he had just made up this voice in an attempt to understand why he did what he did. He did it for love, though what he considered to have felt for Joe was so pure it had to be more than that. More than just love.

When the voice returned, it wasn't exactly what he was expecting. Not in the slightest bit.  
"Whom is it you love?"

"Why, Joseph Mazzello of course." Ben chocked out with a weep but also a slight smile appearing at the thought of joe.

The voice stayed silent again, though the silence was deafening to Ben. 'This must have been torture for Joe is this is what it feels like' Ben thought, thinking about all the times he left Joe after talking and how crazy Joe would've thought he was going.

It did return though and when it did, had peculiar questions to ask. Ben answered them all, not that he had a choice in the matter though. If he was going to be stuck here he might as well comply with whatever thing will be roaming his head.

After millions and quite literal millions of questions, the voice asked its final one: "why?"

Why what? Why is ben here? Why does he love Joe? Why did he do what he did?  
Ben didn't know what this voice meant but he knew the answer to the latter question.

Ben doesn't know why he's here but has no fear in it. Ben doesn't know why he loves Joe still or why he ever did. How he was drawn to a man like Joe, how he was absolutely compelled with him and didn't really know until late, how Joe (despite being the human) was Ben's angel? Why is anyone in love with anyone?

It's love. The feeling has no bounds but, as said, has restrictions as to how far it can be acted upon. Nobody can help but fall in love, and nobody knows why they fall in love. All anybody, human or higher, can do about it ie accept it.  
They've fallen in a dangerous pit called love.

But what can this human or higher control? How they act upon it. What they do because of it.

Why did ben give up everything he had? Why did he give us his immortality for the sake of a human that would die eventually?  
Because he fell into that dangerous pit called love and chose not to try and escape, only fall deeper and deeper till he reached the core of the earth.

Why hadn't ben used his kiss before? Fact one is that all his previous humans had not been in here for it, but ben found himself thinking and agreed on a valid conclusion: "the life of Joe is more important than all lives I have or ever could bear witness to"

All Ben wanted was to see Joe happy, and sure- by doing what he did he would never get to see Joe be happy, or even know if Joe would be happy. For all he knew this just might not have done anything to anyone's advantage. It could have done nothing but get rid of an angel but with that, the kiss would give knowledge to Joe. That's what it does, give knowledge about how good a human is and how happy they should be.

If Joe had that. If Jie had that one piece of knowledge, that he is a good, kind souled human being, Ben didn't care what he did. If he decided to end it all even with that knowledge, it would only show how truly sad he was.

But that was not the case, no. The voice explained to Ben something he could never imagine. Something he never knew highers could get: a chance.

A highers job: protect their human. Make sure the human lives a good life or at least one with no harm. The aim of the game is to make sure the human plays their's right, making the angel a referee if you will.

But what if they couldn't do that. What if, like Ben, the higher couldn't help their human live that life? Well, in some cases, it means taking a deduction of hierarchy. Going from the official of the match to a player. Becoming the person who plays the game, getting closer to the human to help out.

In most cases, all a higher needs to do is watch from the sidelines and help navigate their human through life. It's the cases like Joe and Bens that require more help.

If all Ben had to do was make Joe happy, maybe he just needs another go at it. A redemption from no wrongdoing. As the voice explained the process as it is called, Ben could only dream of what this meant.

A chance to live again?  
No, a chance to live, and at that- live happily.

Ben was never alive, he existed beyond the human realms and understanding. He was a being in his own immortal world existing with one sole purpose and now? Now he stands for more.

He does have a purpose as everyone does, though nobody can ever know what it means. After all, what human knows the meaning of life? Not even highers knew what it was, only knowing that it was an actual thing.

So if he were to go into this world he would not be anything but ordinary. He would be truly something. He would take up space and be a piece of matter, floating with time and being alive.

Ben understands what this would mean. He knows it means starting directly from the bottom but that is no issue for him. He's a man (now) in love, he managed to give up everything from love and this is his chance of regaining it and more. Of course, he would take this opportunity! You would have to be foolish not to.

This is Ben being more than something: this is him being introduced into a realm of existence.  
This is Ben seeing pain, first-hand love, failure and success.

This is Ben doing his job: protect the humans. Or at least one human in particular: Joe.

How he'd do it? Nobody knows. All Ben knows now is that there is a light in this darkness and that that is quite literal. From absolute nothingness to darkness to a something- light.

Perhaps this was the only good thing to come from this situation because soon enough, Ben found himself hearing the awful sound he had come to dread, despise even. The sound radiated all around him until he saw darkness yet light at the same time. The light outside of the darkness as it was.

But the crying. Oh God, the crying he heard was painful, again, this being quite literal. Ben's body ached all over with his throat choking back tears until it wasn't. Sure, the crying didn't stop, but he had sure brought light into this world.


	5. Epilogue

From the moment he was born, he was a light in this world. Sure, he came out crying a horrid sound but all babies do.  
He was a ray of sunshine on a cold January day. He was always shown to be on the good side of things, never failing to impress and never failing to be happy. He was such a lovely child.

He had a brilliant sleep schedule as a baby, was a healthy child and a jovial one too. He grew up intelligent enough and rarely got in trouble at school, his first 'fight' if you will be because he was defending someone.

He never searched to fight but would protect and defend those who needed it. Sometimes he needed it himself but he always put other people first rather than himself. Some people called him an angel because he was so kind.

He didn't like being called it because nobody is perfect in his opinion. No matter how kind and caring and selfless a person can be, there will always be a flaw. He never saw a problem in his flaw, if you could call it that. It wasn't a problem for anyone and only people who made it an issue cared about it. He's just a normal dude who loves everyone to put it simply.

But it went more than just his sexuality. He always aimed to make others happy apart from himself but never felt sad. He got enjoyment from making others happy, it almost supplied him with his own. He didn't know what he wanted to be when he was older but if it made himself and others happy, he was content.

He tried many things throughout his life but it all clashed with one another. He tried rugby and football but got injured and had to put an end to it. A plethora of other hobbies all clashed with school and he was seemingly stuck until high school where he joined the school's production of Billy Elliot that year.

Though he was new to it, the acting scene was definitely a possibility in his future. The entertainment aspect of being able to tell a story to others intrigued him to explore it more until he eventually came to an addict to act.

He would get scripts and monologues just to perform to himself in his room when his parents were asleep. Some aspects even helped him in normal life: being able to memorize things quickly is key in revision.

He got all his GCSE's and continued to study, going to an acting school to become better at the thing he loves. He found a bit of trouble fitting in, perhaps from being too friendly or too good at acting or maybe because people found an issue with him and who he loves. No matter what it was, he overcame it and was now an overly talented actor looking for roles.

He was shocked when he got his first job because it wasn't a role of any sorts. A fashion company had asked him to model some outfits for them and he happily accepted, although he would've preferred his first showcase to be one of his talents, he discovered that he was apparently a natural at modelling too.

Those were in the words of Lucy, a woman he met on the shoot. He and she were very alike in that they both did what they did for other people, whether it was- in his case- making them happy or in Lucy's case, to show that anything is possible.

After the shoot, they kept in contact and had become good friends despite the roles they both had got to the joy of both. Nervous wasn't enough when it came to he acted in his first play but he put on the performance of a lifetime and got outstanding reviews. This simple small stage play got him noticed by many and he eventually landed his first screen job.

Although there weren't many differences in the industries, the differences were big if they were there but he adapted to them easily and found himself again, a natural. He got such pleasure in what he did and loved to amuse people with his witty characters or shock them with his mysterious ones. Even the ones he couldn't quite work out himself he loved.

There came one script that Lucy showed him. She told him he had to audition since she got the role of the partner in crime and "wouldn't it be fun to work together?"

He agreed and found himself sitting on a plane to America with no idea what he was doing. Out of his comfort zone? Yes.  
Scared? Yes.  
Excited? Also yes

By the time he got there, he had been recognised by a few people and he blushed when they asked for a photo or for his signature. He stayed in the same hotel as Lucy and her partner Rami though not in the same room obviously. He had a room near the top of the complex that gave him a greater view of the landscape in front of him.

He doesn't know what he did to deserve this but whatever it was, it made him proud. He was a proud person in that everything he's got, he got by himself. From the beginning, he knew life was a game and he had to make his own moves. It wouldn't come easily to him but there was something in him that wanted the challenge, for knowing the rewards he's gotten and all the things he has, in the end, were by his own accord gave him some kind of satisfaction.

As long as he worked hard for it, he knew what he deserved, but if he didn't get what he thought he would he would never dwell on it. "I get what I get and if I don't get it I'll work harder next time" he constantly reminded himself. He never got jealous over roles and had somehow manage of to convince himself that if his career fell to the ground at this point, he would be content and if anything grateful for the opportunities he had.

So when the day of the audition came, he reminded himself again. He had Lucy by his side and got embarrassed when she said she put a good word in for them. She had also said that this was the last day of auditions. If they didn't find anyone today, they would pull the plug on the whole thing. This motivated him if anything. He had to try his absolute best to make people happy and not sad that this (quite brilliant) script would get flushed down the toilet.

He took a deep breath as his name was called and got up to walk in but accidentally bumped into someone before he even got through the door. Being the Briton he is, he apologized profusely as he helped the man up and dusted him off. The man told him he was fine but he didn't want to accept it just get and kept making sure he was actually alright. The man even had the audacity to say it was his fault when it was anything but and he made sure the man knew it was his own fault.

They smiled at each other before the man walked off behind him. He looked back and admired the man as he smiled and nodded at Lucy before turning the corner.

He took one last breath to calm his nerves before going through the door and into the audition room. He gave his name and answered all the questions they fired at him with a smile and light laugh. When it came to the actual acting, he blew them away and was rewarded with a standing ovation.

He was later informed that he got the role and couldn't have been happier. This was his first big break and he got it. He thanked whatever higher entity lies above him for this opportunity and went out to celebrate with Lucy, Rami and a couple of their friends.

He was surprised to see the man he bumped into the day if the audition but went over to say hello and once again apologize. Lucy got to him before he could get there and she informed him that this man was the scriptwriter and that she had become very good friends with him, showing he must be a kind man.

He was about to head over but felt a tap on his shoulder and turned round to see this man.  
"We've met before but I didn't catch your name. I'm Joe"  
Joe extended his hand with a smile and he reciprocated the action with a large grin of his own.

"H- hi-" he stuttered. "I'm Ben"

From that moment on, Ben and Joe became inseparable. Perhaps it was the fact that it soon became knowledge to Ben that if it weren't for him, Joe would have nothing. He gave Joe a chance and Joe was ever so thankful for that.

He also realized that Joe was such a kind person. Someone smart and responsible but compassionate and loving. He found that out in the best of ways, soon falling for something he never thought he truly could: falling for someone else.

He turned head over heels for Joe. Maybe it was that he felt a need to help- a need to make Joe happy, Ben taking his own enjoyment from that. When he learnt Joe felt the same, he could've sworn that he had never felt happier.

They went on dates you see. Little rendezvous here and there after filming one day or when Ben had broken. Joe would show him the city and Ben- well Ben would show him love, something Joe never thought he truly had or will ever truly have.

Things developed over time because they both made sure to take things slow. They had been official for a while before they had their first time and saying they were both nervous was an understatement, but the sights that soon followed of Joe writing under Ben proves that they could just about get through anything.

And they did. Every hurdle that came for them they chewed up and spat back out. They took the world on it seemed and to them- well, to them, they conquered it. They did what a lot of people thought would never be possible.

_____

Some say some stories are written in the books.  
Some say they're written in real life.

Stories are all around us in happiness and sadness, though sadness doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad story.  
Some stories require you to be your own author.  
We're all just stories, in the end, just got to make yours a good one, because then it will be exactly what you want-  
It will be the best.

Lucky for Ben and Joe's story, it was written out for them in golden ink, planned in every detail like the stars in the night sky. They watched them many times, admiring the heavens in all its glory. The universe is big, vast and complicated. Sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen: and we call them miracles.

Their story is now finished but only to allow a new sequel to be birthed, and if I were to ask myself if I believe they will be happy, both our stories will end with the same words:

"I do."


End file.
